Images from Telekenetic Synchronicity

February 16, 2009

 

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

 

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

 

by Bryce Dwyer

by Bryce Dwyer

 

 

 

 

Heidi Wiegandts’ amazing Valentine’s Day-themed synchronized game invention, Telekenetic Synchronicity, had contestants reading each others’ minds to draw the same concept of “love” without looking at each other’s papers. It is possible that several future couples were formed during this amazing game.

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Images from the Solitary Isolation Game

February 16, 2009

 

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

Stanley Howard—tortured by Jon Burge and Chicago Police Officers under his command, then sentenced to death row based on confessions extracted under torture but later commuted by Governor Ryan—called from prison to kick off the Emotional Games with a plea to bring problems in Chicago, and in Illinois, under control before embarking on a project like the Olympics. Julien Ball of the Campaign to End the Death Penalty kindly provided the context and the cell phone.

 

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

Stephen F. Eisenberg and Laurie Jo Reynolds of Tamms Year Ten introduce the Solitary Isolation Game and give a brief history of isolation as a prisoner reform tactic, before its condemnation by several international human rights tribunals.

 

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

 

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

Pre-hooding, the audience was treated to a talk by the 29-year-old Mustafa Afrika (above—his speech was so captivating our photographer was rendered useless) in which he described his early imprisonment and subsequent isolation at Tamms Supermax in great detail, as well as the lingering physical and emotional effects of spending several years with no human contact. Afrika, who has since returned to life on the South Side of Chicago, described the daily, ongoing police activity in his neighborhood, acknowledging that any increase to this hostility, such as that brought about by the Olympic Games’ presence in the area, would be extremely damaging to residents.

 

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

Johnny Walton, incarcerated at Tamms, described to the hooded audience the chilling long-term effects of solitary isolation. Describing prisoners whose only human contact was shouting over walls to fellow inmates for several years and men who became so desperate for human contact they would create a ruckus, causing guards to come in and physically quiet them, Walton was brilliantly impassioned. Several hooded audience members explained later that they were only relieved for the hoods because it kept others from being able to see them cry.

 

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

The Unlympic Movement: a short film

February 15, 2009
A quick recap of Chicago’s Winter 2009 Unlympic Games. Watch for the final film in Summer, 2009.

Emotional Games: February 14, 7 p.m. (from the Official Program Guide)

February 10, 2009

PROGRAM
7 p.m., No Coast, 1500 W. 17th Street

Please note this exciting update: The Unlympics Organizing Committee is honored to announce that in addition to our already stella cast of presenters, joining tonight’s games will be Stephen F. Eisenman, Julien Ball, Mustafa Afrika, and Laurie Jo Reynolds. At 7:15 p.m., barring a prison problem, we will speak live to Stanley Howard, Jon Burge-tortured former death-row inmate commuted by George Ryan. Plus: Other special guests may appear throughout the evening!

SOLITARY ISOLATION GAME
DURATION JUMP-ROPING/HULA-HOOPING
SYNCHRONIZED SOMETHING 
STOP DROP + ROLL COMPETION
KARAOKE 
JUDGE COMPETITION 
AWARDS CEREMONY
CLOSING CEREMONY
 

RULES

Please note that all Awards Ceremonies are BYOB.

 

Solitary Isolation Game (Individual)

Picture living in a cage the size of your bathroom, with tiers of single cages above, below, and to either side. You remain in this cage nearly 24 hours a day, day in and day out, year in and year out. The use of solitary confinement in U.S. prisons began in 1829, based on the Quaker philosophy that introspection would lead to reform. It soon became clear that people in isolation often suffer mental breakdown, so isolation was largely abandoned—except as a means of administrative control. More recently, isolation is combined with behavioral modification programs, including physical beatings, use of devices of torture, and psychological abuse. Sound like fun to you?

 

Duration Jump-Roping or Hula-Hooping (Individual or double-dutch)

1. The mode of contest shall be determined by the judge’s ability to locate either hula hoops or jump ropes in advance of the competition.

2. Duration shall be defined as “length of time contestant is able to maintain continuous jumping motion while mono-directionally crossing the rope barrier created by the object called the jump-rope,”or  “length of time contestant is able to maintain continuous hula motion in the hips while supporting the hoop via centrifugal force,” depending on the object provided by the judges for play.

3. Contestant may choose a preferred direction of rope or hoop motion (forward or backward; left or right), depending on said contestant’s coordination limitations and desire to look awesome and/or “hot dog.” Said jumping rope or hoop must make one full 360-degree vertical rotation around the human form and never become entangled by, twined with, knotted around, or in any way harassed by the human form, foot, shoe or shoe lace, nor falter in its continuous encircling of the body.

4. Contestants inclined to whip other contestants with rope or conk them on the heads with the hoop will be immediately disqualified from the Duration Jump-Roping or Hula-Hooping Competition and asked to leave quietly and respectfully with inside voices. No hissy fits.

5. Contestants will be timed as a group. Last one jumping rope or hula hooping wins. 

 

Synchronized Competition (Team)

What is a multinational sporting event without some kind of synchronized competition, primarily performed by adorable, winsome, and lithe young women in unending fantastical rows, endlessly repeating after each other the exact movements of the first, for our personal sporting edification and clear aesthetic appreciation? Probably kind of a bad one, so be sure to pay close attention to the rules of this event when the judges describe them.

 

Stop, Drop & Roll (Individual)

This competition will only occur in case of a fitting disaster, natural or otherwise.

 

Karaoke (Individual, duet)

1. Persons who entertain are allowed to compete as long as it is part-time income and that person does not belong to any professional organization connected with the entertainment industry that would cause the Unlympics Organizing Committee to pay such contestant a fee or any other benefit for taking part in any Unlympics event.

2. Any person may enter the contest that belongs to an Organized Labor Union connected with the entertainment industry, as long as that person is not disqualified by rule number 1.

3. Persons may compete alone or as a member of a duet. No persons may enter a duet that are, in effect, one single person wearing at one point a mustache and appearing at another point bare-lipped. Nor will duet status be granted one single person suffering from multiple personalities. These persons must enter the competition as individuals.

4. Contestants MAY NOT utilize live props. This will include back-up singers, dancers, or animals. Non-human props such as costumes and other accessories are permitted. Musical instruments may be used as props, but are not allowed to be performed upon as an accompaniment to the contestants’ performance. Such musical instruments must be hand carried. Larger instruments that utilize the aid of others to bring them on stage, or are difficult to handle will NOT be permitted. An example of this type of instrument is a piano, harp, etc. Any prop used by a contestant must be carried on stage or into the stage area by the contestant, and must be completed in one trip onto or into the stage area. The non-use of live props will include the passing of flowers or other items to anyone, touching hands of an audience member or any other similar act.

5. Contestants may sing the same song as other contestants.

6. Contestants, their family or associates are not allowed to have contact with a contest judge before or during any contest connected with the Unlympics. Contact includes verbal conversations, handshakes, and making out. It is suggested that judges don themselves with badges to prevent contestants from approaching judges, and that, if approached by a contestant, they run away, very fast. This rule applies only before and during the time contestants are performing. It is not reasonable to expect contestants, their family or associates from having contact with a judge directly after all contestants have performed. 

 

Judge Competition (Individual)

Following the completion of the events in the Winter 2009 Unlympics, all parties will offer criticism, praise, and feedback to those who have remained in power throught the duration of the games. A most exemplary judge will be awarded the gold medal a slightly less good judge will be awarded the silver, and so on for one more medal. In combination with The Spectator Sport, this game is intended ensure an even balance of power between athletes, judges, and spectators, all of whom weigh equally in the success of the Unlympic Movement. 

The Unlympic Organizing Committee asks you with this game to pause for a moment and consider what it might be like if the Chicago 2016 bid weighed all comers—low-income residents, government officials, migratory birds, developers, local cultural producers, athletes, and victims of police torture—as equals. Would we still proceed with the bid?

 

NARRATIVE

Tamms Year Ten and the Campaign to End the Death Penalty are the official sponsors of the Emotional Games. Tamms Year Ten was founded on the tenth anniversary of the transfer of prisoners to Tamms “supermax” prison in Southern Illinois. Designed to keep men in constant solitary confinement, Tamms was intended for short-term incarceration, but over one-third of the original prisoners have been held with no human contact or communal activity since 1998. Tamms Year Ten is a coalition of prisoners, ex-prisoners, families, artists and concerned citizens who protest these misguided and inhumane policies and call for an end to psychological torture. The Campaign to End the Death Penalty works hand in hand with those who have experienced the horrors of death row in person—death row prisoners and family members—and works to ensure that their voices are at the forefront of our movement.

The Emotional Games will be held at Pilsen’s No Coast, a collective space dedicated to keeping the products and processes of creative practice accessible to whomever is interested in them in the spirit of fostering collaborative community.

Between 1972 to 1991, over 100 African American men were tortured by former Chicago Police Commander Jon Burge and detectives under his command. Called acts of torture by independent investigations and numerous courts, the detectives under Burge’s command electrically shocked men’s genitals, ears and lips with a cattle prod or an electric shock box, suffocated individuals with plastic bags, performed mock executions, and committed beatings with telephone books and rubber hoses to extract confessions. Not a single officer has ever been prosecuted for these acts, which violate criminal laws, the victims’ Constitutional rights, and international treaties banning the use of torture. At least 24 people continue to languish behind bars based on these unreliable confessions. On May 19, 2006, the United Nations Committee Against Torture concluded that the United States Government and the City of Chicago were in violation of the Convention Against Torture.

In 1980, President Jimmy Carter declared that concern for human rights abuses in Russia disallowed the US from participating in the Moscow Games, and enacted a boycott against them. The Unlympics Organizing Committee requests a boycott of the Chicago 2016 Games on these same grounds.

 

Competitors and spectators will also be offered the opportunity to send “Torture Breaks My Heart” Valentines to prisoners and legislators.

The Treasurer’s Report

February 9, 2009

img_41311 The Treasurer of the Unlympics Organizing Committee—this decorated coffee can—has asked me to type a few words on his behalf.

In the hopes of creating a new model for sporty mega-events, we here at the Unlympics have settled upon a system of financial transparency. The idea hasn’t caught on yet, but for a lot of these sports festivals it’s somehow counterintuitive so how it works is like this: we tell you, honestly, how much money the Unlympics costs, and how much money the Unlympics has raised. Then, if you are filled with the Unlympic Spirit, you give us some money, and then, we tell people about it.

To date, the cost of hosting the Unlympics’ mostly free programming has included:

  • $175 in rent
  • $100 in kickballs, sparklers, prizes, medals and trophies
  • $50 in promotional and office supplies
  • $30 in beer and, of course, Gatorade

This comes to a total of $355.

To date, the UOC has raised—mostly from the $5 competitor’s fee to join the Spelling Bee—exactly $214.

Now, we realize that a $141 budget deficit represents a significantly lower-than-average cost overrun ratio for a giant sporty mega-event—in fact, the London 2012 Games are currently estimated to cost more than four times their original budget of 2.37bn pounds, and are now running upwards of 9bn pounds.

However, the great disadvantage we suffer at the Unlympics Organizing Committee is that we have thus far proven unable to find a way to hide our expenditures within the host city’s operating budget. In fact, when UOC secretary AEM tried last week to submit her kickball purchasing receipts in lieu of paying her local taxes, she was practically laughed out of the office! Which is weird, because she’s pretty sure some of that money will go to benefit the Olympic Games in 2016. 

Anyway. To reiterate: If there were a game for being $141 dollars in the hole, the Unlympic Games would take the gold!

If you have enjoyed our programming, received major sponsorship deals due to an Unlympics win, or are a corporate CEO that donated to the Chicago 2016 bid that harbors a nagging sense that, in fact, Olympic Village construction might just sink the city into an economic quagmire from which we may never recover, please consider a small donation of dollars to support the Unlympic Games. If you wish, you may donate online via paypal at: communications@incubate-chicago.org, or email artshowheckyeah@gmail.com to make an appointment with the UOC Treasurer.

If you run a sports mega-event and wish to seek further information about financial transparency, please first Google the term, and then contact our offices.

Images from the Intellectual Games’ Spelling Bee

February 8, 2009

 

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

Our very first speller, Silvana Naguib, spelled with aplomb. Not the word, though. I think her word was “lasso.”

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

Elizabeth Crane spells, somewhat tentatively.
by Anne Elizabeth Moore[/caption]
The jauntiest speller, Joshua Brach Farnum, goes down.

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

The Amazin’ Asian, Stephanie Velasco, and word pronouncer Laura Pearson.

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

Our sentence constructor Jonathan Messinger.

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

Danielle Dahlin is skeptical of that word.

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

Aay Preston-Mint, Speller #8, nabs the gold!

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

Danielle’s second-place medal, created by Brian Shapiro.

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

by Anne Elizabeth Moore

Aay Preston-Mint’s first place trophy. Some winners also received copies of the audio CD “Touring Olympia” and gift bags from Quimby’s!

Intellectual Games: February, 7, 7 p.m. (from the Official Program Guide)

February 4, 2009

PROGRAM
7 p.m. Quimby’s, 1854 W. North Avenue
$5 per competitor

SPELLING BEE
AWARDS CEREMONY

RULES
Please note that all awards ceremonies are BYOB.

  1. In competition, after the pronouncer gives the speller a word, the speller will be encouraged to pronounce the word before spelling it and after spelling it. The judges may not disqualify a speller for failing to pronounce the word either before or after spelling it. But the judges will know that the speller is done if he or she pronounces the word after spelling it and the pronouncer will be assured that the speller has heard the word correctly if he or she pronounces it before beginning to spell it.
  2. The speller may ask the pronouncer to say the word again, define it, and/or use it in a sentence. The pronouncer shall grant all such requests until the judges agree that the word has been made reasonably clear to the contestant. Judges may disqualify any speller who ignores a request to start spelling.
  3. Having started to spell a word, a speller may stop and start over, retracing the spelling from the beginning, but in retracing there can be NO change of letters or their sequence from those first pronounced. If letters or their sequence is changed in the respelling, the speller will be eliminated. In other words, a speller can’t correct him or her self, even while it is still his or her turn.
  4. The contest shall be conducted in rounds. Each speller remaining in the spelling bee at the start of a round shall spell one word in the round, except when there are two spellers remaining. (At that point, refer to Rule 6.)
  5. If a word has one or more homonyms, the pronouncer will indicate which word is to be spelled. If the listed word is not properly identified, either by defining it or using it in a sentence, any correct spelling of any homonym of the word will be accepted.
  6. When the number of spellers is reduced to two, the elimination procedure changes. At that point, when one speller misspells a word, the other speller shall be given an opportunity to spell that same word. If the second speller spells that word correctly, plus the next word on the pronouncer’s list, then the second speller shall be declared the champion. If one of the last two spellers and the other, after correcting the error, misspells the new word submitted to him/her, then the misspelled new word shall be given to the first speller. If the first speller then succeeds in correcting the error and correctly spells the next word on the list, then he or she becomes the champion. If both spellers misspell the same word, both shall continue in the contest and the one who first misspelled the word shall be given a new word to spell.
  7. Judges are in complete control of the competition. Players don’t always agree with the decisions or like them, but accept them as part of good sportsmanship.
  8. Spectators must remain silent between the announcement of the word and the judge’s decree. No cheering for words that are properly spelled is to be tolerated, but cheering for each individual speller’s style is ecouraged.
  9. This is the most important rule of all. Please have fun and relax, whether you’re a participant or a spectator.

 

NARRATIVE

Quimby’s, specialists in the importation, distribution, and sale of unusual publications, aberrant periodicals, comic booklets, and a comprehensive miscellany of the latest independent ‘zines’ that all the kids have been talking about, is the official intellectual sponsor of the Unlympic Games. Founded in 1991, the bookstore is a WickerPark/Bucktown tradition and a national testament to the vitality of democracy.

The Chicago 2016 bid is supported by PR firm Hill & Knowlton, whose previous campaigns are noted for their massive expense and seemingly organic success. Previous clients include a plethora of countries with horrific human rights abuse violations, including post-Tianenman Square China and post-East Timor Indonesia—countries from which H&K profited by $14mn in just one year. Additionally, H&K is the firm behind the first Gulf War, having created books, videos, astroturf organizations, and false press conferences to call for the protection of Kuwait.

Most famously, the firm hired and coached a 15-year-old girl on statements that she saw “Iraqi soldiers come into the hospital with guns, and go into the room where . . . babies were in incubators. They took the babies out of the incubators, took the incubators, and left the babies on the cold floor to die.” Within three months, this false testimony was the basis for hundreds of news stories and directly preceded the Gulf War.

The tradition of human and civil rights abuses associated with the Olympic Games is long, including the detainment of reporters covering last year’s Beijing Games and abuse of protestors during the 1968 Mexico City Games, to name just a few. Yet already the Chicago 2016 Committee’s disinterest in the process of democracy is evident.

Local experts, for example, were not consulted during the creation of the Environmental Impact Assessment on at least one of the Olympic construction sites. Olympic construction is not only likely to impact the patterns of migratory birds in Lincoln Park, but also displace thousands of human residents in Hyde Park and Brownsville, whose concerns about the bid have been largely ignored by the Chicago 2016 committee. Additionally, the bid will not be made public until February 13th, the day after it is due the International Olympic Committee, which deliberately disallows public comment on the details of the committee’s plans for the city.

The Unlympics Organizing Committee has submitted a request for Chicago 2016 to hold off on submitting the bid until Chicagoans have the chance to review and approve it in an open and democratic process.

Images from the Live Action Role Play Family Potluck Dinner

February 4, 2009

img_3994
Tuts (Gianofer Fields) obsessively serves Vandermolen (Nick Vandermolen) while Aunt Mabel (Salem Collo-Julin) and Princess (Liz Mason) ingest mind-altering substances.
img_3998
Uncle Phil (Joe Zarrow) distributes his late holiday gifts: make-your-own caramel (sugar in baggies.)
img_4021
Mandy (Nell Taylor)—Princess’s personal assistant—brings out a birthday cake for Princess’s friend, Justin Timberlake, and all sing.
img_4013
Aunt Mabel retorts.
img_4026
Sir (Joe Mason) is hit by a snowball thrown by family juvenile delinquent, Vandermolen.

Submitted by the audience, who sat in silent judgment of the entire family, the following lessons were taken from the LARP Family Potluck Dinner:

  • You should never tell your family what you really think of them.
  • Family is forever.
  • Stokely Carmichael was adventurous.
  • Spit/drool makes us gag.
  • Improve makes us excessively uncomfortable.
  • Very little about the Olympics.
  • The cathartic value of familial role-playing.
  • Darkness.

Images from the Fashion Competition

February 4, 2009

 

by Liz Wuerffel

by Liz Wuerffel

by Liz Wuerffel

by Liz Wuerffel

Judged by Matthew Joynt, Co-Secretary of the Unlympics Organizing Committee, the beauty and wonder of the Winter 2009 Fashion Competition speaks for itself.

 

Photographs by Liz Wuerffel.

Class-Conscious Kickball commentary, Kristen Cox and Salem Collo-Julin (and Team CC)

February 4, 2009
by Liz Wuerffel

by Liz Wuerffel

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please!!!

 

Welcome to the Chicago Working Group on Extreme Inequality-sponsored event—winter kickball!

What you are about to experience will not be your average ordinary kickball game. No ma’am, sir, or zer. Because it is NOT hard work and athleticism that score you a homeroom in life—that’s right, no it is not. In most cases, your place in society is already set by the time you pop out of your mom’s kooch. Not fair you say! Life is not fair, my friend. Even if you catch your ball, the game is stacked, the deal is already done. Many of us are born with more privileges, landing us on second or third base, while others are left behind, even struggling to get to first. And by good faith, luck and or in some cases, stealing, they get to second, third and maybe, fourth. But rarely. Fourth base is reserved for the lottery winners, CEOs, inheritors, and celebrities. Ladies and gents and all those in between: we are living in a cat and mouse game of chase with high hopes of kicking a homerun, to earn that American Dream or first Olympic Medal.

by Liz Wuerffel

by Liz Wuerffel

Let the game—Class-Conscious Kickball—Begin!

 

[Salem Announces.]

Announcer: First up to kick we have . . . Edwina the Eagle. Edwina was working as a plasterer, a strenuous but high demand blue-collar job especially when contracted for wealthy restoration clients, when she qualified as the sole British applicant for the 1988 Winter Olympic ski jumping team. Her family worked as stage hands for the British production of CATS!. So Edie E. (as she was known) was forced to self-fund her training. She wore seven layers of socks to accommodate her donated pair of skis. They were top-of-the-line but terribly ill-fitting. Another problem was that she was very short-sighted, requiring her to wear her glasses at all times, even though when skiing they fogged to such an extent that she could not see. She finished last in both the 70 m and 90 m events, hardly making it to first base at all, having to succumb to the arduous labor of plastering until she got arthritis so bad that she had to live off of social security for the rest of her life. Starts to FIRST but fades away to reaching NO BASE at all.

by Liz Wuerffel

by Liz Wuerffel

Susie “Ski“ Medal was born on second base, in the beautiful mountains of Colorado to a prominent lumber-company family. Because she could wake up and ski down the mountain any day she pleased, she became a top-notch skier at the ripe age of six. Her father, being successful at exploiting Mexican day laborers in his lumber business, spent his disposable income on entering Susie in ski contests every season, which prepared her for her Olympic medal career. SECOND BASE.

 

This is Ada, a middle-class, second-generation Mexican American female whose parents did not come from money, as their parents were immigrants and worked multiple jobs. Parents were able to work their way through college and took out loans. Ada goes to college but receives minimal support from parents. They were not able to save or build a college fund for their daughter so she must, like many of us, take out high interest-earning student loans. While Ada is able to get her college degree she finds her debt still outweighs her income and she has to pay $350 per month on $25 K in loans. Ada makes it to frist base. FIRST BASE.

[Note: Obstacle in baseline.]

(Oops what that’s in her way. It’s a high-interest bearing loan which will slow and weigh her down so that she barrrreeeelllllyy reaches first base. [Picks up object. Lugs her body and can barely get there.]

by Liz Wuerffel

by Liz Wuerffel

Meanwhile Susie ‘Ski’ Medal signs onto a sponsorship with Cambell’s Soup which propels her toward third base but, under the strict rules of competition, she’s tested and caught drinking performance-enhancing drugs in her soup which strikes her OUT on a mandatory two-year suspension with ridicule and shame.

 

Kiki, born into poverty in upstate, Buffalo, NY. Zhey was a good kid, walked to school uphill both ways and fell in love with zer after-school thespian drama club. Kiki spent afternoons glamourizing Madonna, Bette Midler, and Sophie Tucker, impersonating them and singing loud in zer bedroom. Kiki won a scholarship to Julliard in New York City which landed zer on first base, as Julliard ain’t easy to get into. A stint in Lever commercials landed zer a primetime TV series, for which zhey earned a Golden Globe for Kiki’s depiction of a musical rendition of telenovela based on the life of homicidal maniac, John Wayne Gacey. Now zhe’s sittin pretty at second base. Despite zer prestige and fame, zhey decided to return to zer roots of the live stage, backtracking to first base to take an equity actor gig in a regional theater in order to play the lead in the stage revival of Victor/Victoria. SECOND to FIRST BASE.

Greta Cummings married into the Phillip-Morris USA family and comfortably situated herself on third base as she enjoyed moist, smokeless tobacco (“MST”). She earned her Bachelor’s degree in applied mathematics from a middle-of-the-road-school, the College of Charleston in South Carolina. Note: not your prestigious ivy league school. Though she married Gregory Cummings Sr., she had to fuck members of the Senior Management team in order to secure her position as Senior Vice President of Quality & Compliance for Philip-Morris USA. Greta’s organizational role is to manufacture superior branded cigarettes and smokeless tobacco products that meet our quality, safety, and demand specifications at the best possible cost. She makes $1.2 million annually. THIRD BASE.

Sylvestor grew up on no base, next to a garbage incinerator plant in Indiana. He developed asthma from a very early age and it doesn’t help matters that he inhales toxic pollutants daily because he now lives near a bus depot. His health constraints are pretty serious and he weezes if too physically active. He can’t get anywhere without his inhaler, and everyone in his family has health problems, asthma being the most common. He could even potentially die from an asthma attack. He can’t afford health care, so when it’s bad he goes to the Federally Qualified Health Center (AKA the clinic) but it’s a pain in the ass. The emergency room takes too long and he swears it doesn’t do any good to go there anyway. The funny thing is he had health care as a child through medicare, but now that’s he an adult, Uncle Sam could give two shits. NO BASE.

by Liz Wuerffel

by Liz Wuerffel

There was no record of Christy Walton before she became a millionaire. She was a nobody. Propelled by Sam Walton’s homerun kick, via the purchasing power of the working poor, she was magically transported to home base when she inherited a $16 billion fortune from her dead hubby John Walton. As the wealthiest woman in the United States, thanks to Wal*Mart, Christy is a fervent supporter of the Republican Party and school-choice programs for under-privileged children. She enjoys busting union shops in her free time and she’s an avid hunter jumper but also hunts ducks, quail, and raven for whom she employs a personal—on staff, at minimum wage, non-union—taxodermist for her prize dead birdlings. In addition to her love of birds, she is a Republican for choice. HOME RUN.

 

Meanwhile, Greta, in testing the MST products such as Virginia Slims, fell ill, was hospitalized, and died from complications but WE know she really died from lung cancer, puffing on those MST her whole life long. She left her only son Gregory with a sizable estate of $14 million plus insurance and a settlement package, to be determined.

[Gregory takes Greta’s place at THIRD.]

Gregory A. Cummings, Jr. stolls into a settlement package onto home base with a life full of plentiful luxuries at his beck and call. He has so much money he doesn’t really know what to do, or how to use much of it and so he becomes a recluse in his inherited rural ranch estate and becomes the foremost tobacco enthusiast blogger and antique pipe collector. RUN IN.

by Liz Wuerffel

by Liz Wuerffel

[Kristin now announces.]

 

Max Power is now up to bat—but in a way, he has always been up to bat as Max was born into wealth and owns the bases. He was born into that, as the Power family, as we all know, is the Official Corporate Sponsor of this and many other Kickball Fields! Max’s family of origin divides their time between Sonoma and Singapore, but Max’s childhood was mostly spent shuffling from military school to military school. While Max’s lack of personal attention from hir parents made hir a highly independent and quite rebellious individual, it also made hir distrustful of intimacy and a bit unable to process emotional interaction. Fortunately, Mr. & Mrs. Power’s financial state was always there to bail Max out of hir “shenanigans”.

And we have a kick, looks like it’s going to be an out. Caught successfully by the outfielders, but wait—Max is arguing with the umpire. Now it’s getting physical! Now Max is being escorted out of the game. Looks like there’s a limo waiting for hir in the parking lot . . . OUT.